Warning kind of a sad post really just a post to get feelings out!

I have good days and bad days. Today was a bad day but i do have 99% good days so its not so bad. I know we all have trials in our lives to learn and grow that we were sent to this earth to learn and love and help thy neighbor. This is the kind of person i try to be everyday i try to love everyone and not judge im nice to everyone and where i work people really enjoy i guess what you can call my bubblyness my happiness my smile. I have grown into a very social women a very sweet and caring women confident strong i know who i am and i know what im not. I know i give it my all and take pride in what i do. I know that i smile 24/7 cause i think im afraid if i dont ill cry sometimes thats not all the way true in reality i am a very happy person im thankful for my blessing for my husband my job my family my friends and my support. I know that at my baby shower it will be big im not a private person and the whole world knows what im going through, and i know private people just don't understand people like me how i can tell everyone almost everything i guess i try to live my life with no regrets try to take every event that happens good or bad look at my part what i could of done to change it the situation and how can i learn from this. I know this sounds weird but i like to have feedback because i know that im not perfect i want to grow and be the best i can be .
I know for a fact i will be the best mom i know for a fact Brian's heart will be melted the first time he holds our baby in his arms. I know there ever since i was little all i have ever wanted out of life was to be a mother and a wife that's been my dream. So i have one part of the dream a better man than i ever could of imagined. But maybe cause i wanted a baby so bad that's why its my trial who know and we will never fully know why somethings happen but it doesn't stop us from wondering why things have to happen to us. It doesn't stop the questions the quilt the pain.
I was talking to my niece once about it (Taylor) and she said it so simple i said i just don't get it why do 16 yr old girls get babies and i don't she said it so clear and made sense she said because that is there trial and this is yours. I keep reminding myself that whenever i get down that these women have babies and i don't. I was so sad today i was just sobbing and i haven't really done that in about a month in a half but as i was speaking to our heavenly father i said please don't take another one from me but i know he knows best and he wont give me what i cant handle and for some reason he wants me really really strong i just want my other half of my dream to come true and i know that baby will be so loved i wish we could just say k ive learned next trial please i wish it worked that way but we all know it doesn't, there are times i wonder if i will have give birth to a child (i always know we can adopt) but the drs seem to think i will have a baby but im scared because each time a little peace of me dies inside and changes me forever some good some bad sometimes i just want to run away and give up some days i feel so lost and alone but than i think of my faith and i trust my heavenly father that he knows what he is doing and im putting it in his hands.
I really try to learn and grow everyday and become just a little better in every way i am a confident women i have a big heart and i have the ability to help others and with all the pain and sadness the positive that has come out of this is the group i have created i know i have helped many women and learned alot from them as well and i have great support and made some amazing friends. Its great to have someone to talk to who has walked in your shoes i hope someday my dreams will come true and have someone to call me mom.