Warning kind of a sad post really just a post to get feelings out!

I have good days and bad days. Today was a bad day but i do have 99% good days so its not so bad. I know we all have trials in our lives to learn and grow that we were sent to this earth to learn and love and help thy neighbor. This is the kind of person i try to be everyday i try to love everyone and not judge im nice to everyone and where i work people really enjoy i guess what you can call my bubblyness my happiness my smile. I have grown into a very social women a very sweet and caring women confident strong i know who i am and i know what im not. I know i give it my all and take pride in what i do. I know that i smile 24/7 cause i think im afraid if i dont ill cry sometimes thats not all the way true in reality i am a very happy person im thankful for my blessing for my husband my job my family my friends and my support. I know that at my baby shower it will be big im not a private person and the whole world knows what im going through, and i know private people just don't understand people like me how i can tell everyone almost everything i guess i try to live my life with no regrets try to take every event that happens good or bad look at my part what i could of done to change it the situation and how can i learn from this. I know this sounds weird but i like to have feedback because i know that im not perfect i want to grow and be the best i can be .
I know for a fact i will be the best mom i know for a fact Brian's heart will be melted the first time he holds our baby in his arms. I know there ever since i was little all i have ever wanted out of life was to be a mother and a wife that's been my dream. So i have one part of the dream a better man than i ever could of imagined. But maybe cause i wanted a baby so bad that's why its my trial who know and we will never fully know why somethings happen but it doesn't stop us from wondering why things have to happen to us. It doesn't stop the questions the quilt the pain.
I was talking to my niece once about it (Taylor) and she said it so simple i said i just don't get it why do 16 yr old girls get babies and i don't she said it so clear and made sense she said because that is there trial and this is yours. I keep reminding myself that whenever i get down that these women have babies and i don't. I was so sad today i was just sobbing and i haven't really done that in about a month in a half but as i was speaking to our heavenly father i said please don't take another one from me but i know he knows best and he wont give me what i cant handle and for some reason he wants me really really strong i just want my other half of my dream to come true and i know that baby will be so loved i wish we could just say k ive learned next trial please i wish it worked that way but we all know it doesn't, there are times i wonder if i will have give birth to a child (i always know we can adopt) but the drs seem to think i will have a baby but im scared because each time a little peace of me dies inside and changes me forever some good some bad sometimes i just want to run away and give up some days i feel so lost and alone but than i think of my faith and i trust my heavenly father that he knows what he is doing and im putting it in his hands.
I really try to learn and grow everyday and become just a little better in every way i am a confident women i have a big heart and i have the ability to help others and with all the pain and sadness the positive that has come out of this is the group i have created i know i have helped many women and learned alot from them as well and i have great support and made some amazing friends. Its great to have someone to talk to who has walked in your shoes i hope someday my dreams will come true and have someone to call me mom.

Dont even know where to start!

Well lets start with good news first WE ARE MOVING! Not far just a few blocks away but we are moving next door to Brians parents and to be honest i cant wait i think it will be so awesome lliving next to them. The house isnt bigger but the layout plan makes it feel like it is the kitchen is better the laurndry room is better and there is a huge yard and thats really good cause other good news we got a new puppy her name is SADIE!

She is 3 months old and she mostly lab but has a little bit of golden retriever in her, on a sad note my momma kitty ran away we are still praying for her to come back!

So with the good comes the bad most of you all ready know that i have another miscarriage my 4th im just finally getting back to a good place but as always after them i really struggle and its hard to move on here is something i would like to share with my family and friends

Ive
had 4 miscarriages I don't understand all these emotions I am feeling.
Will you try to understand and help me? PLEASE LET ME MOURN I may act
and appear together, but I am not. Often it hurts so much I can hardly
bear it. PLEASE LET ME MOURN Don't expect too much from me. I will try
to help you know what I can and cannot handle. Sometimes I am not
always sure. PLEASE LET ME MOURN Let me talk about my miscarriage. I
need to talk, it's part of the healing. Don't pretend nothing has
happened, it hurts terribly when you do. I love my child very much, and
my memories are all I have now. They are very precious to me.

PLEASE
LET ME MOURN Sometimes I cry and act differently, but it's all part
of grieving. My tears are necessary and needed and should not be held
back. It even helps when you cry with me. Please don't fear my tears.
PLEASE LET ME MOURN What I need most is your friendship, your
sympathy, your prayers, your support, and your understanding love

·

I am not the same person I was before my miscarriage and I never will
be again. Hopefully we can all grow from this tragedy. PLEASE LET ME
MOURN God gives me the strength to face each day and the hope that I
will survive with His help and yours.

Time will heal some of the pain, but there will always be an empty place in my heart. PLEASE LET ME MOURN Author Unknown

Im sad and its hard everyday but thats all i want to say for today hope everyone else is having a great day and love you all!