Warning kind of a sad post really just a post to get feelings out!

I have good days and bad days. Today was a bad day but i do have 99% good days so its not so bad. I know we all have trials in our lives to learn and grow that we were sent to this earth to learn and love and help thy neighbor. This is the kind of person i try to be everyday i try to love everyone and not judge im nice to everyone and where i work people really enjoy i guess what you can call my bubblyness my happiness my smile. I have grown into a very social women a very sweet and caring women confident strong i know who i am and i know what im not. I know i give it my all and take pride in what i do. I know that i smile 24/7 cause i think im afraid if i dont ill cry sometimes thats not all the way true in reality i am a very happy person im thankful for my blessing for my husband my job my family my friends and my support. I know that at my baby shower it will be big im not a private person and the whole world knows what im going through, and i know private people just don't understand people like me how i can tell everyone almost everything i guess i try to live my life with no regrets try to take every event that happens good or bad look at my part what i could of done to change it the situation and how can i learn from this. I know this sounds weird but i like to have feedback because i know that im not perfect i want to grow and be the best i can be .
I know for a fact i will be the best mom i know for a fact Brian's heart will be melted the first time he holds our baby in his arms. I know there ever since i was little all i have ever wanted out of life was to be a mother and a wife that's been my dream. So i have one part of the dream a better man than i ever could of imagined. But maybe cause i wanted a baby so bad that's why its my trial who know and we will never fully know why somethings happen but it doesn't stop us from wondering why things have to happen to us. It doesn't stop the questions the quilt the pain.
I was talking to my niece once about it (Taylor) and she said it so simple i said i just don't get it why do 16 yr old girls get babies and i don't she said it so clear and made sense she said because that is there trial and this is yours. I keep reminding myself that whenever i get down that these women have babies and i don't. I was so sad today i was just sobbing and i haven't really done that in about a month in a half but as i was speaking to our heavenly father i said please don't take another one from me but i know he knows best and he wont give me what i cant handle and for some reason he wants me really really strong i just want my other half of my dream to come true and i know that baby will be so loved i wish we could just say k ive learned next trial please i wish it worked that way but we all know it doesn't, there are times i wonder if i will have give birth to a child (i always know we can adopt) but the drs seem to think i will have a baby but im scared because each time a little peace of me dies inside and changes me forever some good some bad sometimes i just want to run away and give up some days i feel so lost and alone but than i think of my faith and i trust my heavenly father that he knows what he is doing and im putting it in his hands.
I really try to learn and grow everyday and become just a little better in every way i am a confident women i have a big heart and i have the ability to help others and with all the pain and sadness the positive that has come out of this is the group i have created i know i have helped many women and learned alot from them as well and i have great support and made some amazing friends. Its great to have someone to talk to who has walked in your shoes i hope someday my dreams will come true and have someone to call me mom.

Dont even know where to start!

Well lets start with good news first WE ARE MOVING! Not far just a few blocks away but we are moving next door to Brians parents and to be honest i cant wait i think it will be so awesome lliving next to them. The house isnt bigger but the layout plan makes it feel like it is the kitchen is better the laurndry room is better and there is a huge yard and thats really good cause other good news we got a new puppy her name is SADIE!

She is 3 months old and she mostly lab but has a little bit of golden retriever in her, on a sad note my momma kitty ran away we are still praying for her to come back!

So with the good comes the bad most of you all ready know that i have another miscarriage my 4th im just finally getting back to a good place but as always after them i really struggle and its hard to move on here is something i would like to share with my family and friends

Ive
had 4 miscarriages I don't understand all these emotions I am feeling.
Will you try to understand and help me? PLEASE LET ME MOURN I may act
and appear together, but I am not. Often it hurts so much I can hardly
bear it. PLEASE LET ME MOURN Don't expect too much from me. I will try
to help you know what I can and cannot handle. Sometimes I am not
always sure. PLEASE LET ME MOURN Let me talk about my miscarriage. I
need to talk, it's part of the healing. Don't pretend nothing has
happened, it hurts terribly when you do. I love my child very much, and
my memories are all I have now. They are very precious to me.

PLEASE
LET ME MOURN Sometimes I cry and act differently, but it's all part
of grieving. My tears are necessary and needed and should not be held
back. It even helps when you cry with me. Please don't fear my tears.
PLEASE LET ME MOURN What I need most is your friendship, your
sympathy, your prayers, your support, and your understanding love

·

I am not the same person I was before my miscarriage and I never will
be again. Hopefully we can all grow from this tragedy. PLEASE LET ME
MOURN God gives me the strength to face each day and the hope that I
will survive with His help and yours.

Time will heal some of the pain, but there will always be an empty place in my heart. PLEASE LET ME MOURN Author Unknown

Im sad and its hard everyday but thats all i want to say for today hope everyone else is having a great day and love you all!

Hormones on the loose!

Not going to make this a long post but just wanted tosay im sorry to everyone yes i am sad and feel supported but im over it! had a few eye openers happen today and we have decided to put the TTC on hold till my hormones are back where they need to be! Need to get some thing settled! So we arent actively trying and just gonna have a 2ND honeymoon! Love you all and sorry if i hurt any feelings as mine have been building in and these hormones made them come out so im now going to come back to the Jamie you all know and love the happy positive Jamie im sorry i just got lost after the miscarriage and been trying to keep it together and i snapped but now that we have decided to chill i feeel like the whole world has been lifted off my shoulders! So loved ones again im sorry and the happy me is back love ya all!

FELLING BETTER!

Thanks for all the love and support! I am so blessed with a wonderful husband, family, friends and a amazing support group! Thanks to you all!

Struggling (sad post)

I really try to stay positive on here! I know no one like negativity! But im going to vent i have somethings i need to say and i know once i do i will feel better so if you are sick of hearing it dont read this is therapy for me and i need it!
I am having such a hard time right now ive been crying all day long! Sat i took a pregnancy test i took it way early but i bought tons off of amazon and thought what the hey! And it was positive i was so excited thought finally my turn and i will keep this one cause they are going to give me the shot looked it up and my due date was Nov 26 i was smiling all day and just thought its about time! I took 15 tests after that and it turned out it was a false positive and those are so rare! Leave it up to me once again to get something so rare! I just dont understand i know we all have trials but i do grow and learn from everything i have gone through on this journey but when is enough enough! its been 2 years since Brian and I decided we wanted to start a family and here we are 3 miscarriages later and heart broken! And i know that everyone is just trying to help but it just kills me inside when everyone says be patient your time will come! Dont you think ive been patient its been 2 years and ive lost 3! All i have ever wanted was to be a mom! Since i was 12 and this has to be the trial i have in life! I know that god has a plan and he see's the bigger picture i know how it all works people but it doesnt take away from the fact that inside of me im heart broken and crying and longing for that precious baby that i cant take care of! I really just dont understand i know that we will make great parents i know that my marriage is great and that i will be a amazing mom but yet all these girls who abuse there bodies get there babies and i wont even drink caffeine when im pregnant ! and yes i know thats there trial in life ive heard it all but it still kills me to get that negative pregnancy test every month! I know everyone says to realax not think about it but im sorry its impossible my mind works as though you set you mind to something and do the necessary things to make your dreams come true! But no matter what i do i can get my baby! I just cant do it anymore i feel so lost and helpless my breaking point is here please pray for me to have strength and my heart to heal! thanks everyone

Happy Anniversary!

Well yesterday we celebrated our third anniversary! Best 3 years off my life! Brian got me the sweetest card and statue of a husband holding his wife! Here are some pictures from the last few months and what we have been up too!

Life!

Life is going great right now! For 3 years we have been praying for Brian to get a full time job. And last week we got the call that changed our lives! He got a job at the mushroom plant doing maintenance! Its a really good job and we are very excited! Now i can breath lol! We are still doing our ttc thing! Month number 2 and no baby! Im really hoping it doesnt take much longer! I really am hoping to be pregnant by April 7 that is my due date from the etopic i had in Aug! So im being patience but praying and praying! Love ya all

Brian and Jamie

UPDATES!

So things have been going good! Brian had a BDAY and than my friend Jan and my dad came and stayed the weekend with us we had a good time. I am focusing alot on getting school started and my new website TTC after miscarriage really is a blessing in my life love them all. Well its late ill blog more tomorrow

Jamie

Christmas and New Years!

We had a great Christmas and New years! I love this time of year! I feels so blessed by my husband and family! Im am just so lucky! I started a group on facebook called ttc after miscarriage (ttc= trying to conceive) its so great i am able to help so many women i just love it. Check it out if you have the time!

Still working at family dollar and Brian just bought a saw so he can go get wood! He has had a smile on his face since the moment he got it! He is so silly lol!
We blessed Baby Wyatt today is was so wonderful we just love that little boy!


Love you all more to come soon

Brian And Jamie

Holidays, Life and the New Year

Hey everyone i promise this blog with be happier than the last! So things are going great right now!My birthday is in a week and Brian is taking me out to dinner and a movie! Im very excited! I really love this time of year minus the cold!

Some things are changing i have decided to go to school! Medical billing and coding! I have a place im involved with that will pay 100% for it i find out in the next week if i qualify! So excited!

Things are great with Brian and I. Just enjoying our time together we have almost been married # years wow how the time flys!

Well things are busy so probably blog again in the new year! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Love ya ALL

Brian & Jamie

Holidays

So we had a great Thanksgiving we went to the Framptons so good! Earlier this week Bailee had her baby so we have all been super excited for baby WYATT!! He is so sweet and amazing and perfect! I am so blessed to have married into such a wonderful family!

I had a test done a few days ago for my tubes and they are clear however the test showed that my uterine lining was abnormal (whatever that means) but the dr said everything looked great and i have nothing to worry about! So thats good! I find myself having a hard time lately i dunno if its just cause the holidays or what but i find myslef getting sad for no reason ugh i just need to get over this and i dont even know where to begin! I feel so blessed to have my Brian he has helped me through it all! I just really want it to be our turn! I am just so sick of everyone telling me when its your time it will happen! Well i thought it was my time 3 times and had it taken away sorry to complain just sad right now! I really hope that soon things will turn around for us!

Love ya all!

Long time no blog!

Long time no blog!

Sorry everyone alot has been going on! Its been about 2 months since the miscarriage! I have my days good and bad. The good news is that i can finally say that physically I'm back to normal! For almost 2 months my body was till confused and i was having pregnancy symptoms (sucked so bad) Emotional I'm about 99% i still struggle when i see a pregnant woman or a newborn baby. I just keep asking myself when and why cant i just have my dream come true. Brian keeps saying that its just not our time and i get that i know that heavenly father has a plan for all his children but don't make me think its my time 3 times and than just say just kidding and take it away from me. This month we were supposed to find out what we were having. Ugh its all just not fair.

So on to good news i got into this study called EAGER its for women who have had one or more pregnancy loss. Hopefully next time we get our miracle baby! Sorry not a long blog but a quick update love ya all!

New pics!!

What a week!!

Oh my goodness don't even know where to begin. So most of you know that i lost the baby or babies. ( really not sure how many) Let me explain...
So about 2 weeks ago we realized that i was miscarrying. This miscarriage wasn't anything like the first 2! Something just wasn't right. I just couldn't pass anything and they were worried they would have to do a D&C. Last Friday i passed what appeared to be twins. The Dr said he was 70% sure it was. Started that weekend i got a horrible stomach ache and just over all didn't feel good. I still went to work and did the best i could just thought that i was farther in this pregnancy and it hurts more. I all ready had plans to go up north today FRIDAY and thought if i still don't feel good than i will be seen. Tues of this week i called my nurse and all though the pain had got better i was still feeling BLAH!! She said Jamie you cant wait till Friday you need to come now. So i left work and drove up to American Fork. The Dr wanted to do a ultrasound was worried i still had tissue in there and that they would have to do a D&C. So i went back in the Dr's office the following day and did the ultra sound it killed me. So there i am with my mom sitting in the Dr's office waiting for the Dr and the results nothing could of prepared me. He walks in and says the ultrasound isn't normal and he thinks its a ectopic pregnancy and we have to do emergency surgery. And i might lose a tube. So surgery all done with and the baby wasn't in the tube like a normal ectopic it was completely out of the uterus. So they cut the baby out and some endometreosis i had! And i had internal bleeding so this could of been really bad life threating in fact! The Dr said he had only seen one case like that all year. So not common. I'm in a lot of pain right now but emotionally I'm OK. JUST DON'T KNOW WHY I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING THE HARD WAY!!